Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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