Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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