I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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