thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
