is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Did I show you my penis last night?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize