I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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