At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
