I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
