the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So much rum. So many feels.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
