good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
