they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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