If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
