You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
