i may or may not be watching the land before time
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
