This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
