My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
