I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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