I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
