Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
