The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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