this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
