Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
