Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
