i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
