my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
