I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize