God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
