The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize