I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
