I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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