If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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