one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
