i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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