if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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