I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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