The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
