the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am one with the molecules
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
