How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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