Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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