Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
