Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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