Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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