The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
