Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
