so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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