it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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