Please, let me fuck your mom
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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