nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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