My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
