actually, I'm a sock model
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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