It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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