don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize