I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
