So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
