I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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