Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
